Tag Archives: Michael Bay

Transformers 3: The Dark Side of the Moon

13 Dec

I don’t know about you, but I was underwhelmed by Michael Bay’s second installment of Transformers. I mean don’t get me wrong I love me some explosions on top of explosions on top of Megan Fox.  But all three of those things have something in common, they aren’t you know traditionally…good.

I’m not saying I want a gay robot persevering through the challenges of the judgmental boys-club of autobots or a “special” robot that teaches Megatron how to love. I just need a little bit of quality to hang my hat on.

Take Iron Man 2, it was a little more awesome with a boatload of quality acting. And it was enjoyable and brought the awesome. That is all I’d like to see from Transformers 3 and friends I think there is hope.


Earth Day Cage Match: Al Gore v. James Cameron

5 Nov

Al Gore versus James Cameron in a no holds barred cage match for defender of the Earth.  That’s how you celebrate Earth day.

“Forty years after the first Earth Day, the world is in greater peril than ever.” ! Just imagine the guy from movie trailers reading that in his dark and foreboding voice, while an image of the Earth burns in the background.  Then Al Gore appears, bearded, holding a copy of An Incontinent Truth out over his head like Moses with the Ten Commandments.

Cut to James Cameron smearing Na’vi war paint across his face while that annoying music from Avatar plays in the background. This thing sells itself.

The problem is that the tag-line for this environmentalist battle royale, isn’t as much a commercial slogan as it is the opening sentence to the Earth Day 2012 website.

That kind of dramatic language makes me thing that we’re going to need to call Bruce Willis. This thing is happening now! Somebody get Michael Bay, a spaceship and I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing on their Ipod!

There is of course, one problem. Global climate change isn’t exactly hurtling towards the planet at breakneck speed with only 48 hours to stop it. We’re talking about hundreds of years worth of data to show incremental changes in the normal ebb and flow of the Earth’s climate patterns.  The Earth isn’t in peril, it’s inching towards peril.

Basically, what I’m saying is that environmentalists aren’t wrong, they just need a new PR firm.  The green movement needs to be re-branded as the marathon that it actually is, rather than the short track race environmentalists want it to be for fundraising purposes. Re-branding the movement into a step-by-step approach to reducing our societies impact upon our climate is something I’m pretty sure that vast majority of people can get behind.

The problem is that every time James Cameron ties himself to a damn, (I think you mean dam) there is a large group of folks who just roll their eyes and ignore his point as just another fanatical environmentalist who wants to take my job at the coal mine. That guy needs his job at the coal mine to feed his lower middle class family and to pay his taxes, so he can get his government subsidized health care that won’t drop his pre-existing black lung. I’ve got the black lung pop.

The economy has begun to shift towards a focus on green energy production, but it’s going to take time. Environmentalists need to calm down and dig in for the long haul.  It’s going to take decades to build the necessary scientific infrastructure for more solar panel farms, wind turbines on sky scrapers and replace the 62 million gas powered cars on the road with renewable fuel driven hover-cars.

So how am I going to celebrate Earth Day 2012? By purchasing a drum of crude oil, and pouring it on Al Gore.

The Expendables: The Ocean’s 11 of Action Heros

10 Aug

Bloood, gut and cheesy one liners, the Expendables gives you back the summer action movie. We’re not talking about the Michael “I make things Awesome” Bay explosions and racist robots kind of flick, this is a good old fashion guns and gore killing the bad-guys action movie.

Sylvester Stallone stars as Barney Ross the mercenary whose growing a heart with a lovable band of killers that comprises the “dream team” of action heroes,  including: Jason Statham (The Transporter), Jet Li (Lethal Weapon 4), Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2), Terry Crews (that guy from all those action movies) and Dolph Lundgren (Rocky IV); with appearances by the two greatest action stars – Bruce “Save the Planet” Willis and Arnold “The Govenator” Schwarzenegger. If that wasn’t enough the supporting cast includes current 4-Time and defending UFC Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture and the WWF legend Stone Cold Steve Austin. The only biceps left out of this august group of screen actors is the man, the myth the legend – Carl Weathers.

At the press showing last night the crowd hooped and hollered at each name of the opening credits, except Terry Crews. But that’s what happens when you spend your career playing “that guy”. Not the main guy, the bad guy or the funny guy, but that background guy. The audience recognizes you right away,  saying “oh it’s that guy”, but they never know your name. Tear.

The absolute great thing about this movie is that everyone knows it’s the Ocean’s 11 for action heroes, so they don’t take themselves, or the movie, to seriously. Stallone and his motley team of black clad, beret wearing, knife throwing, gun slingers basically trot around the world pulling off undo-able military jobs for money. Why are the called the Expendables? They never really explain it or delve into Stallone’s character feelings on being expendable, because everyone is too busy using giant shotguns to blow guard towers up. Just the way we like it.

It’s over the top action that is both graphic and totally ridiculous, but in a fun and entertaining fashion. The fight scenes are long but dotted with quality take downs and knocks, that keep you into the movie and not worrying about the physics of blowing a man’s whole torso backwards. Oh and it’s graphic, very graphic.

The plot, as you would expect, is really just an excuse to gather this group of actors together to kill the bad guys and it’s really not worth going over. Except to say that there is a fascist regime, a pretty girl and a small island nation desperate to be freed from tyrannical and possibly CIA funded mad man. Basically, everything you could ever want from a 90’s action movie.

Stallone wrote and directed the film, but let’s just say this wasn’t the Academy Award winning effort that he put into Rocky. The action is awesome from start to finish, and the dialogue is hammed up to satisfy audiences for there desire for campy one-liners. Example:

Dan Paine (Stone Cold Steve Austin):  Who sent you?
Barney Ross [to the bald Stone Cold]: Your hairdresser!

I mean that kind of witty banter is what separates The Expendables from Matt Damon, George Clooney and Brad Pitt’s quick paced, smart and funny Ocean’s 11; but let’s be honest if you’re looking for a quality plot and dialogue from this group, you’re in the wrong industry. This movie is about things blowing up the old fashion way, with guns and grenades. Not Transformers, or Iron Men the Expendables is about getting back to being a guys-guy and blowing something up with your hands. Like god intended it.

Written, directed and starring Sylvester Stallone. Also starring: Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews and Mickey Rourke. Millennium Films. Opens August 13th.